On April 29th, 2011 my best friend passed away. And it was not a simple, or easy matter. I had to make the decision to put him down. It was a very difficult decision to make, but I don't regret it because he was in pain. What I really regret is that I was taking chemo at that time, and I could not be there for him the way I wanted to be, and the way he needed. That is what I truly regret.
I have not been keeping this blog up to date like I wanted to. But under the circumstances, I think it's really understandable. I've really had one and only one thing to do this Summer, and that is to get healthy. And frankly, that has been the hardest thing to do with the passing of Wedel. Because one of the few things I really looked forward to was getting better and taking him out on the walks he wanted, the kind of walks he deserved.
You see, walks were his time, not my time. It was the only time in the day he really got to go outside and explore, sniff and pee on those things he would stare at all day. It was his time to go out into the world and say, "Hey their world, I'm hear. Deal with it". We had a couple of routes and whichever one he wanted to go on, we would go. We would get to a certain street, he would look up at me rather knowingly and look toward the direction he wanted to go, and we would go. I was looking forward to those walks and saying, "OK, lets go that way".
I was looking forward to those walks and getting out of the house.. cooped up on the couch with chemo was not making me happy. Being able to get outside was nice, really nice and thouroughly enjoyable. You see, one of the things I noticed over the years is that I changed. I used to not be an outdoor type of person. But taking Wedel out at least once a day (sometimes two or three times a day) changed me. I would give him the time to sniff & explore (within reason) and I really started to enjoy the neighborhood. I began to appreciate the trees in the Sping, Fall, Summer, and Winter. I noticed the flowers and the gardens. I enjoyed chasing the squirrels up the trees. And while I don't eat that much meat, it was nice to smell all of the weekend BBQ's and smokers.
But more than any of the little piddle of things (pun intended) I experienced, the best thing that Wedel taught me on our walks was that life was to be enjoyed, each and every moment, right then and there. Though all the good times, bad times, rain, heat, getting a 2 ft high dog through a 4 ft snow drift (let alone watching him try to poop in the 4 ft snow drift!) there was the sheer joy of life itself -- one that can't be explained in words. I saw it with each breath we took, each step we made, each rabbit or squirrel we chased, each and every person we passed. Life is here, right here, right now, and it wasn't painful, it was just life; and it was wonderful. Not the kind of wonderful you think of when you find money, or when everything goes your way, but the kind of wonderful that is beyond good or bad, fun or dreadful. It's the kind of wonderful that makes you think there is reason or purpose to your life, and that no matter what happens, you will be OK.
This was what I was looking forward to with Wedel and now he is gone. And what's sad is I'm finding other things about him that I just miss. The house is now just a house, it's no longer a home. People who know me, know and understand I bought the house for him. So he could have a yard, a window, and a place he could bark his head off without having to worry about the neighbors. And thats the other thing. This place is just to damn quiet. And when I come home, he is not there to greet me. I don't know who was happier to see whom, Wedel to see me or me to see Wedel.
One of the things that the chemo took away from me was being able to pet Wedel. I could do it, but how I loved to, not how I used to. That's why I had a hard time letting him go when we put him under. I was holding him again and I just didn't want to let go. I paid for it with a mild infection but I got to hold him just one more time.
There are times I will have dreams with him. I can have horrible nightmares but I won't care, because in the dream Wedel was there, and I got to give him belly rubs.
Wedel passed away, but he isn't gone. Every time I go walks he is with me, in my thoughts, in my memories, and if I pay attention, in the wonder of the world that surrounds me.
Marathon running and rock climbing.
16 years ago
